Guys Tell All |

Guys Tell All: The Perfect Valentine’s Day Gift

February 6, 2017 By: admin

Valentine’s Day is quickly coming up, and that usually means we do something special for our kids and occasionally enjoy a dinner date—just my husband and I. Besides the traditional chocolates and cologne or a new tie, what would be your ideal Valentine’s Day? If we want to include the kids in our celebration, that is fine too. I would just love to do something that would really make my man feel loved and appreciated.

MAX:

I’d rather ditch the gifts and find something that we can experience together as a couple. Whether it’s a new restaurant, concert, or exploring a nearby town – I like trying to keep things fresh and exciting.

We don’t have children, but I’d imagine that’s even more of a reason to carve out some important one on one time. Invest in time and experience instead of gifts and we both win.

GRAY:

First, keep the cologne. I have enough ties already—don’t wear any of them on even a semi-regular basis, but I’d be okay with chocolate-covered salted caramels. Maybe there’s too much attention put on Valentine’s Day. That’s pretty much the way my wife and I think of it. A bit too practical maybe. Maybe. We’ve been married for nearly 10 years and we have three great kids. Planning something now is that much more of a challenge, but it wouldn’t be impossible. That being said, what would I want to do for Valentine’s Day?

I want to wait until the weekend to celebrate the day. That way all of us could do something together. I don’t know exactly what that would be. We’ll grab lunch at some point. Likely run an errand or two while we’re out. Like I said: too practical, maybe. The main point is that it’s something that we do together because it’s important to me that our kids have shared experience with us.

Not to sound sappy, but I didn’t get to experience that as a kid myself. That’s why the kids are definitely coming along. Let’s go bowling—the kids have never been and it would be a riot to watch them. Hiking would be fun, if the weather is nice. I think it’s plain to see that the where and what is far less important than the who.

Like I mentioned earlier, there’s too much attention, too much emphasis on one day to let your significant other know that you love them absolutely. There are 364 more days that you should be sure to do the same. Doing so will demonstrate to your kids what true love really is.

The salted caramels would be great though. I promise I’ll share.

MAVERICK:

Well there is always that one way to make your man feel appreciated….

Yep you got it, his stomach. If your area has couples cooking classes that could be a great way to enjoy time together while learning a new recipe. Wine would also go nice with a couples cooking class.

If you aren’t able to find a sitter for the evening, grab some takeout and enjoying a movie night. We like to get two movies, one for the adults and one for the kids. If we don’t have to cook and get to watch an adult show, sometimes that feels like a date-night without leaving the house.

There’s so much estrogen here on Southwest Missouri Moms, we love hearing what the guys have to say from time to time. We’re always wondering, “What was he thinking???” and our anonymous panel of husbands fills us in. If you have a question for the dads, email us and we’ll send it to them. Then look for your answer here. Email to: info(at)SouthwestMissouriMoms.com

Guys Tell All: Looking good! (for a mom…)

November 10, 2016 By: admin

Dear Inside His Head guys,

My husband made a comment the other day that I can’t stop thinking about!

I was walking across the room minding my own business when he tells me, ”Babe, you look really good for somebody that has had three kids.” I thought, what?! Why can’t he just tell me I look really good? Why did he add “for somebody that has had three kids?”

I spoke to him about it and while he promises he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings and meant his statement as a compliment, I am having a hard time. Since we already talked about it once, I hate to bring it up again, but it really bothered me. Should I just let it go or should I talk to him about it again?

GRAY:

My wife and I have three children as well, ranging in ages of just over a year to nearly seven years old. My wife doesn’t look like the mother of three and I’ve said this in nearly those words to her and her response was exactly the opposite of yours. Why? When I said this to her—on more than one occasion mind you—it was a complement and taken as such. There was no “hidden meaning” in my comment, just as there was none in your husband’s. Truth is guys are not that complicated. After approaching your husband about his comment and your reaction to it and he explained that he truly meant it in a complimentary way, then he did. If you still are struggling with it then it’s not a question of what he said or what you think he might have meant: It’s a question of self-esteem and rehashing your conversation with your husband over this won’t eliminate these feelings you have.

Building self-esteem is not something that happens with one conversation. It will take time and deliberate effort on your part. Perhaps a therapist could be involved if it’s really hitting you as hard as it seems that it is. BUT, it’s not an issue that another conversation with your husband on the same thing will miraculously solve. He SHOULD be a partner in helping you work through things though. After all, he loves you. You are and always will be beautiful in his eyes.

That brings me to another point: Men are solution seekers. If there’s a problem, we want to find the solution and fix it. We don’t have a need or desire, nor simply care to talk about it and talk about it some more and…well, you get the point. So take this problem-solving focus and leverage it as part of your work to lift your self-esteem. Enlist the help of a professional if you need to and let your husband be involved in helping fix it. He IS your partner in everything, right?

MAVERICK:

Let it go. While he definitely could have phrased it better, I’m sure his sentiment was sincere. As a guy there is nothing more frustrating than attempting to compliment your lady (I’m unmarried) and having your words twisted. You did the right thing by letting him know that your feelings were hurt, but it’s time to move on. He still thinks you’re hot, how do you think you got those three kids?

MAX:

In his mind, he meant it in a very nice way. It was supposed to be a compliment with an added emphasis on the fact you lost your baby weight and worked harder to look that good than someone who hasn’t had children. So when he makes a compliment, take the compliment for what it is.

You look really good and he wants you to know it. The fact he added that qualifier at the end shouldn’t bother you. I can see why you questioned it, but I can also see that what he meant and how you took it could be completely different. Poor communication is still better than no communication and you shouldn’t overlook the fact he complimented you and was trying to be nice. The fact you get mad that the compliment wasn’t worded they you would like, seems petty. I could see myself becoming more and more afraid to compliment my wife, if every time I did, she took it the wrong way and it caused problems. Obviously guys are bad about making comments before they think it through and they often times stick their foot in there mouth, but that’s just one of the things that makes us different.

Guys Tell All: How can I convince my husband we should have another baby?

July 25, 2016 By: admin

If you’ve got a question for the husbands, just send it to giveaways(at)southwestmissourimoms(dot)com and it may be featured in a future installment of Guys Tell All. Now on to this month’s question:

Q: I would really like to have another baby, but my husband clams up when I try to talk about it. This is a huge decision and his input is obviously necessary. What’s the best way to initiate the conversation that won’t make him shut down and will let me know how he really feels?

MAVERICK: Okay, from the tone of this question it seems you expect him not to be thrilled by the concept of an additional child.

First, approach your husband when he’s relaxed but not too relaxed. Don’t bother him when he’s just sat down to watch his favorite show or he’s just gotten in from his favorite activity. If you don’t know what these are, you don’t need another kid, pay attention to your husband.

Look for a time when he’s had a decent day at work and bring up the subject after dinner when you know you’ll have some time to talk. Another great time is on a long drive or a walk. Men often converse better side to side and while performing an activity. That’s why we like stuff like golf and fishing.

For goodness sake don’t bait-and-switch him by getting a baby-sitter and going out to his favorite place to eat. He’ll be thinking it’s gonna be a sex night and you’re gonna talk reproduction – which are two totally different concepts to most men. Don’t make a big production of the discussion but if you think there are gonna be some sticking points, be ready to discuss them logically.

If money will be an issue, come up with ways to cut costs around the house that will actually work and that don’t involve the guy working a second or third job. If space is an issue, come up with some housing options. If child care is a problem, come up with a solution.

The worst thing you can do to your husband is to dump this idea on him and expect him to figure out how to make it work.The second worse thing you can do is “talk” to him about it without LISTENING to what he has to say.

Do you want to know how he feels or do you just want him to shut up and procreate? Look into his eyes. Do you see fear? Listen to him breathe. Does he sound like he’s just had a 747 placed squarely on his shoulders? Does he joke about dying at his desk or taking a third job or always wanting to forgo retirement for a career as a Wal-Mart greeter?

Approach the discussion carefully and cautiously. Listen and respond appropriately. And remember, you say you want to know how he feels so listen, even if it’s not what you want to hear.

JON: It seems as if you already know how he feels. The question to me is why he feels this way. Is it finances? A lack of time as a couple? An inability to do things he used to enjoy? As per usual, communication is the key.

Communication is the main factor in a successful marriage. If a couple is able to talk to each other about everything that concerns them, they will get through just about anything.

Here are some tips to enable you to successfully communicate as a couple:

Respect each other in your communication. Agree on things such as no name calling, even while arguing. Don’t talk down to each other.
Don’t use terms such as “you always”, and “I never”.
Be a good listener. Use body language to let your spouse know you are truly listening. Rephrasing what has been said, to make sure you understand what is meant can help make sure there is no misunderstanding.
Make the tough subjects easier by bringing humor into it.
Don’t hesitate to tell each other what you like. Too often married couples only say what they don’t like. This can cause hurt feelings and make it seem like a hopeless situation. If you talk about the things that you enjoy and agree on, as much or more than the things you don’t like or agree on, it creates a positive atmosphere to communicate in.
When you notice things about your spouse that you would like to see change, remember that there are things about you that he would like to see change too. If you work on changing yourself, rather than on changing your spouse- you will see big changes in your perspective.
Touching, whether holding hands, or sitting against each other while talking, will keep you aware of how close you are to each other, and make it less likely that you will say things you will regret later.
Keep sarcasm and a mocking tone far from your conversation. These things can cause hurt, resentment, and make it harder to talk about important things.
When you feel distance growing, say so. There is nothing wrong with telling your spouse that you need some of his/her time. As a matter of fact, being open about such things is what will draw you closer to each other.
Make it easy for your spouse to begin to talk by being willing and making it clear that you are in this together. When both of you are working toward the same goal – a happy, healthy, lifelong marriage – being available to each other has to come first.
On things that are strictly opinion, don’t argue! Agree to disagree. If there are opinions you are not in agreement on…so what?
Don’t rehash the past. If something is in the past, has already been dealt with and resolved- leave it there. Bringing up the past is a communication killer. Don’t allow things that are in the past to ruin your future.

If a couple works together, agreeing on communicating effectively – the marriage can be happy, harmonious, and healthy – for life.

GRAY: The best approach it is to go to him with a big smile on your face and let him know you’ve just put an extra mortgage on the house and sold the car because you’re starting an ostrich farm.

Remind him that he’ll have to spend long hours after work tending to the ostriches for several thankless years if the two of you are to have hope of ever seeing any return on your investment. Make him understand the two of you will merely have fleeting minutes to spend with each other after the birds arrive and in those minutes you’ll both likely be exhausted, covered in mud and ostrich droppings, never to find each other attractive ever again.

Sound absurd? It’s not. While you may have maternal instinct to spare, a man’s first reaction may be to worry about the financial burden and time expenditure any child can represent, and already having one child doesn’t negate these fears. Even knowing the joy it is to be a father doesn’t counteract the threat another child may pose to the time he spends with the one you have, you or for himself. Often, these things feel like impassable blocks in the road and unless you can combat them he may continue to avoid the issue entirely.

What to do? Pin him down on the issue. Explain how serious the subject is to you and don’t let him belittle it as “hormonal” or equally trivializing banter. This conversation should be treated with the same respect buying a house, planning for retirement or as other big family decisions are. And make sure it doesn’t boil down to an “I want one/I don’t want one” issue.

Odds are, your husband knows you want one, but may genuinely believe it’s a passing feeling. Explain you didn’t just get the urge because your sister/your neighbor/Angelina Jolie just had one. While I don’t believe having a second child to keep the first one company is a good argument, showing the degree of thought you’ve put into the issue will lend credence to your opinions.

But what if he says we just can’t afford it? If it’s ultimately a money issue you might suggest starting a fund to offset the costs of childbirth. This may lead to a broader conversation about your own savings or how on earth you’re going to pay for college for even one, let alone two, but that’s a good conversation to have.

In the end, if we all waited until we could afford kids none of us would have them, but suggesting ideas about the financial side of things will almost assuredly let him know you’ve truly thought about the issue. And financial planning is rarely a waste of time as long as it’s kept in perspective.

And what about his claim about not having enough time to spend with the child you have? Well, I know people from large families and haven’t stumbled across one who felt unloved, but men can look at the issue and believe having a second child means the first one will get only half the love they do now. Silly? Maybe, but it’s how we think. And we also think about the time we won’t have for ourselves. Sure that’s selfish, but we all need time to be selfish, it’s just human nature.

The point is: two children don’t take twice the time it takes to raise one, love is something we have in limitless supply and millions of people have proven having multiple children doesn’t destroy the bond between a husband and wife.

Guys Tell All: The perfect Father’s Day

June 13, 2016 By: admin

Dear Dads,

Father’s Day is coming up and that usually means ties, cologne and cooked meat. What would your Ultimate Father’s Day day actually look like? (If ties, cologne and cooked meat factor into the day, there’s no shame.)

GRAY: I don’t often wear ties and never wear cologne, though the allure of some tasty cooked meat is difficult to turn down any time of year. And I’m sure many dads, such as myself, don’t need token gifts.

If my daughter was old enough to be away from home, a phone call would be nice. Not just a “Hi. Happy Father’s Day. Gotta run.” kind of call, but a genuine conversation about how they are and what they’re doing.

Since my daughter isn’t that old yet, I think letting her have a fun-filled day would be nice. I think it’s when we see our children having fun or achieving personal goals that we most feel like dads, whether it be pushing them on a swing, watching a movie on the couch or going out for a bike ride.

And just to go back to the meat thing for a minute, a good meal is always welcome, but not for the gluttony of gorging ones self. The real pleasure of any meal should be the company and conversation around the table.

I suspect it’s a lot like any other day in which we celebrate. As we get older the less presents matter and the more substance is important. I’d certainly skip everything to simply have a day to look back on with my daughter and remember it as what being a father is all about.

MICHAEL: Up early alone with coffee, NPR and the New York Times.

Follow that up with pancakes at home with the family. A walk around the square at the farmers market and then a trip to the library.

Lunch somewhere on Dickson.

A short hike somewhere close, then home for a quick shower followed by dinner at Greenhouse Grille with just my wife. Finish the night snuggled on the couch with all my girls while we watch a movie.

MAVERICK: Well, a perfect Father’s Day would of course involve sleeping in and waking up to some hot tea and my wife’s wonderful fluffy pancakes, some bacon, and maybe some eggs – over easy.

While I know a lot of dad’s would like some solitude on their day, and I understand that urge as well as most, I would of course want to spend the day in the company of my lovely daughter and spouse.

Because I’d have to be there to watch my lovely daughter and spouse mow the yard, do the weed-eating and clean up our small chicken coop.

After the showers and the griping had settled down, we’d all go to the movies.

I usually get to pick anyway because my wife tends to select films that are just terrible, but to be safe I’d invoke the Father’s Day rule and select an action-adventure film. If the girls want to see something, well, girly, I’d send them along to watch something frilly and I’d sit by myself in the dark with a big tub of popcorn and not feel one bit guilty.

To prove I’m not a total load, I’d take care of cooking dinner.

Perhaps grilling some steaks and burgers, fresh corn would have to be there, and as a slight nod to my heath, a small salad. Afterward we’d all go out for ice cream to properly undue all the good stuff from the salad.

The evening would involve some TV watching, perhaps re-runs of Arrow, or The Flash or Gravity Falls. We’d laugh and joke and likely snack.

And while I’m sure, after all of this, I’d feel properly spoiled, I’d also feel grateful.

And while moms get a lot of the credit for child rearing and as Chris Rock said so famously, “Nobody every says, ‘Hey dad thanks for knocking out that rent'” I’m just happy to be my daughter’s dad and my wife’s husband.

But a little recognition, an the odd tie now and then, doesn’t hurt.

Guys Tell All: Husband isn’t romantic enough

April 18, 2016 By: admin

Dear Guys,

I’m married to a great man who’s also a great dad, but I feel frustrated by his lack of romance. He says he’s “not very romantic” but I remember that he was when we were first dating. I don’t expect roses every week or for him to cook me a candlelight dinner, but I would appreciate a little affectionate note every now and then or a special treat occasionally. I’ve dropped hints, but he doesn’t seem to be picking up on my bread crumbs. Should I just come right out and tell him some of the gestures I would like? Would it be annoying to you if your wife did that?

GRAY: This shouldn’t come as too much of a shock, but men aren’t the best at picking up subtleties.

For that matter, most of us aren’t so good at delivering them either. It’s a good bet that the “affectionate note” or “special treat” are the furthest things from his mind. It’s not that he doesn’t care, but his way of caring doesn’t involve the little touches.

Sure, things were a lot different when you were dating. When I met my wife I didn’t have a fraction of the obligations I have now. To some extent, my life used to be able to revolve around hers. Now my attention goes to my daughter…who commands a good deal of it…and to some extent I feel like I show love to my wife by being a good dad.

And it’s true with so many other things: a love letter has become emptying the dishwasher, a bunch of flowers has become taking care of all those projects in the yard. Not very romantic? No, I suppose not, but there you have it.

Would it be annoying if my wife asked me to write her little notes? Yes it would and here’s why: it would be akin to saying what I do isn’t good enough, but somehow a “little note” is. I think it would trivialize my affection rather than make it stronger. These trivial little touches would suddenly be on equal footing with the really important stuff.

Everyone likes to be treated in a special manner every now and again, but at the end of the day you have to ask yourself if you’re blessed with what you have. I’m not saying to stop dropping the little hints, but try to appreciate what the two of you already give to each other.

Discovering he’s helped your child with all their homework so you can do things together during the weekend may not be the same as having a surprise bouquet delivered to you…it’s much better when you think about it.

MAVERICK: The one problem with hinting is, if he’s paying attention it pretty much takes all the “romance” out of it, making the hint a demand he’s having to comply with to humor you.

And if he’s not paying attention, all the hints in the world won’t work.

First, when you say romance, I figure you mean a thoughtful or spontaneous display of affection. Something simple, like a love note or a more complex gesture, like dinner and a movie with him arranging child care. What we’re talking about here is pursuit – the guy making it clear he desires the object of his affection — namely you.

Lots of married women complain their husbands were really “romantic” while dating but it dried up after marriage. It’s pretty standard behavior. Typically this behavior is blamed on the guy. But if you think about it, the signals that triggered that pursuit behavior are likely missing as well. Men pursued their wives during courtship because they were both desirable and playful.

So, perhaps, if you like to be pursued and acknowledged, you might want to start the chase anew.

Do something surprising for him that he might enjoy — make him nachos while he’s watching a fight on TV or recommend you kick around that giant sporting goods warehouse store he loves on a slow Saturday afternoon. Offer a glass of iced tea after he comes in from mowing the yard and a back rub after he takes a shower. Arrange a dinner at his favorite place and surprise him afterward with a night that is worthy of a love note.

Actions like this make him feel valued, cherished, desired and are much more likely to get him to return the gesture, than nagging and guilt.

I’m not saying maintaining the energy and vigor in the relationship is all your responsibility, I’m just suggesting reminding the guy how lucky he is to have you with deeds not words. If you want to be chased, remind him how much fun it is to catch you.