Guys Tell All |

Guys Tell All: How can I convince my husband we should have another baby?

July 25, 2016 By: admin

If you’ve got a question for the husbands, just send it to giveaways(at)southwestmissourimoms(dot)com and it may be featured in a future installment of Guys Tell All. Now on to this month’s question:

Q: I would really like to have another baby, but my husband clams up when I try to talk about it. This is a huge decision and his input is obviously necessary. What’s the best way to initiate the conversation that won’t make him shut down and will let me know how he really feels?

MAVERICK: Okay, from the tone of this question it seems you expect him not to be thrilled by the concept of an additional child.

First, approach your husband when he’s relaxed but not too relaxed. Don’t bother him when he’s just sat down to watch his favorite show or he’s just gotten in from his favorite activity. If you don’t know what these are, you don’t need another kid, pay attention to your husband.

Look for a time when he’s had a decent day at work and bring up the subject after dinner when you know you’ll have some time to talk. Another great time is on a long drive or a walk. Men often converse better side to side and while performing an activity. That’s why we like stuff like golf and fishing.

For goodness sake don’t bait-and-switch him by getting a baby-sitter and going out to his favorite place to eat. He’ll be thinking it’s gonna be a sex night and you’re gonna talk reproduction – which are two totally different concepts to most men. Don’t make a big production of the discussion but if you think there are gonna be some sticking points, be ready to discuss them logically.

If money will be an issue, come up with ways to cut costs around the house that will actually work and that don’t involve the guy working a second or third job. If space is an issue, come up with some housing options. If child care is a problem, come up with a solution.

The worst thing you can do to your husband is to dump this idea on him and expect him to figure out how to make it work.The second worse thing you can do is “talk” to him about it without LISTENING to what he has to say.

Do you want to know how he feels or do you just want him to shut up and procreate? Look into his eyes. Do you see fear? Listen to him breathe. Does he sound like he’s just had a 747 placed squarely on his shoulders? Does he joke about dying at his desk or taking a third job or always wanting to forgo retirement for a career as a Wal-Mart greeter?

Approach the discussion carefully and cautiously. Listen and respond appropriately. And remember, you say you want to know how he feels so listen, even if it’s not what you want to hear.

JON: It seems as if you already know how he feels. The question to me is why he feels this way. Is it finances? A lack of time as a couple? An inability to do things he used to enjoy? As per usual, communication is the key.

Communication is the main factor in a successful marriage. If a couple is able to talk to each other about everything that concerns them, they will get through just about anything.

Here are some tips to enable you to successfully communicate as a couple:

Respect each other in your communication. Agree on things such as no name calling, even while arguing. Don’t talk down to each other.
Don’t use terms such as “you always”, and “I never”.
Be a good listener. Use body language to let your spouse know you are truly listening. Rephrasing what has been said, to make sure you understand what is meant can help make sure there is no misunderstanding.
Make the tough subjects easier by bringing humor into it.
Don’t hesitate to tell each other what you like. Too often married couples only say what they don’t like. This can cause hurt feelings and make it seem like a hopeless situation. If you talk about the things that you enjoy and agree on, as much or more than the things you don’t like or agree on, it creates a positive atmosphere to communicate in.
When you notice things about your spouse that you would like to see change, remember that there are things about you that he would like to see change too. If you work on changing yourself, rather than on changing your spouse- you will see big changes in your perspective.
Touching, whether holding hands, or sitting against each other while talking, will keep you aware of how close you are to each other, and make it less likely that you will say things you will regret later.
Keep sarcasm and a mocking tone far from your conversation. These things can cause hurt, resentment, and make it harder to talk about important things.
When you feel distance growing, say so. There is nothing wrong with telling your spouse that you need some of his/her time. As a matter of fact, being open about such things is what will draw you closer to each other.
Make it easy for your spouse to begin to talk by being willing and making it clear that you are in this together. When both of you are working toward the same goal – a happy, healthy, lifelong marriage – being available to each other has to come first.
On things that are strictly opinion, don’t argue! Agree to disagree. If there are opinions you are not in agreement on…so what?
Don’t rehash the past. If something is in the past, has already been dealt with and resolved- leave it there. Bringing up the past is a communication killer. Don’t allow things that are in the past to ruin your future.

If a couple works together, agreeing on communicating effectively – the marriage can be happy, harmonious, and healthy – for life.

GRAY: The best approach it is to go to him with a big smile on your face and let him know you’ve just put an extra mortgage on the house and sold the car because you’re starting an ostrich farm.

Remind him that he’ll have to spend long hours after work tending to the ostriches for several thankless years if the two of you are to have hope of ever seeing any return on your investment. Make him understand the two of you will merely have fleeting minutes to spend with each other after the birds arrive and in those minutes you’ll both likely be exhausted, covered in mud and ostrich droppings, never to find each other attractive ever again.

Sound absurd? It’s not. While you may have maternal instinct to spare, a man’s first reaction may be to worry about the financial burden and time expenditure any child can represent, and already having one child doesn’t negate these fears. Even knowing the joy it is to be a father doesn’t counteract the threat another child may pose to the time he spends with the one you have, you or for himself. Often, these things feel like impassable blocks in the road and unless you can combat them he may continue to avoid the issue entirely.

What to do? Pin him down on the issue. Explain how serious the subject is to you and don’t let him belittle it as “hormonal” or equally trivializing banter. This conversation should be treated with the same respect buying a house, planning for retirement or as other big family decisions are. And make sure it doesn’t boil down to an “I want one/I don’t want one” issue.

Odds are, your husband knows you want one, but may genuinely believe it’s a passing feeling. Explain you didn’t just get the urge because your sister/your neighbor/Angelina Jolie just had one. While I don’t believe having a second child to keep the first one company is a good argument, showing the degree of thought you’ve put into the issue will lend credence to your opinions.

But what if he says we just can’t afford it? If it’s ultimately a money issue you might suggest starting a fund to offset the costs of childbirth. This may lead to a broader conversation about your own savings or how on earth you’re going to pay for college for even one, let alone two, but that’s a good conversation to have.

In the end, if we all waited until we could afford kids none of us would have them, but suggesting ideas about the financial side of things will almost assuredly let him know you’ve truly thought about the issue. And financial planning is rarely a waste of time as long as it’s kept in perspective.

And what about his claim about not having enough time to spend with the child you have? Well, I know people from large families and haven’t stumbled across one who felt unloved, but men can look at the issue and believe having a second child means the first one will get only half the love they do now. Silly? Maybe, but it’s how we think. And we also think about the time we won’t have for ourselves. Sure that’s selfish, but we all need time to be selfish, it’s just human nature.

The point is: two children don’t take twice the time it takes to raise one, love is something we have in limitless supply and millions of people have proven having multiple children doesn’t destroy the bond between a husband and wife.

Guys Tell All: The perfect Father’s Day

June 13, 2016 By: admin

Dear Dads,

Father’s Day is coming up and that usually means ties, cologne and cooked meat. What would your Ultimate Father’s Day day actually look like? (If ties, cologne and cooked meat factor into the day, there’s no shame.)

GRAY: I don’t often wear ties and never wear cologne, though the allure of some tasty cooked meat is difficult to turn down any time of year. And I’m sure many dads, such as myself, don’t need token gifts.

If my daughter was old enough to be away from home, a phone call would be nice. Not just a “Hi. Happy Father’s Day. Gotta run.” kind of call, but a genuine conversation about how they are and what they’re doing.

Since my daughter isn’t that old yet, I think letting her have a fun-filled day would be nice. I think it’s when we see our children having fun or achieving personal goals that we most feel like dads, whether it be pushing them on a swing, watching a movie on the couch or going out for a bike ride.

And just to go back to the meat thing for a minute, a good meal is always welcome, but not for the gluttony of gorging ones self. The real pleasure of any meal should be the company and conversation around the table.

I suspect it’s a lot like any other day in which we celebrate. As we get older the less presents matter and the more substance is important. I’d certainly skip everything to simply have a day to look back on with my daughter and remember it as what being a father is all about.

MICHAEL: Up early alone with coffee, NPR and the New York Times.

Follow that up with pancakes at home with the family. A walk around the square at the farmers market and then a trip to the library.

Lunch somewhere on Dickson.

A short hike somewhere close, then home for a quick shower followed by dinner at Greenhouse Grille with just my wife. Finish the night snuggled on the couch with all my girls while we watch a movie.

MAVERICK: Well, a perfect Father’s Day would of course involve sleeping in and waking up to some hot tea and my wife’s wonderful fluffy pancakes, some bacon, and maybe some eggs – over easy.

While I know a lot of dad’s would like some solitude on their day, and I understand that urge as well as most, I would of course want to spend the day in the company of my lovely daughter and spouse.

Because I’d have to be there to watch my lovely daughter and spouse mow the yard, do the weed-eating and clean up our small chicken coop.

After the showers and the griping had settled down, we’d all go to the movies.

I usually get to pick anyway because my wife tends to select films that are just terrible, but to be safe I’d invoke the Father’s Day rule and select an action-adventure film. If the girls want to see something, well, girly, I’d send them along to watch something frilly and I’d sit by myself in the dark with a big tub of popcorn and not feel one bit guilty.

To prove I’m not a total load, I’d take care of cooking dinner.

Perhaps grilling some steaks and burgers, fresh corn would have to be there, and as a slight nod to my heath, a small salad. Afterward we’d all go out for ice cream to properly undue all the good stuff from the salad.

The evening would involve some TV watching, perhaps re-runs of Arrow, or The Flash or Gravity Falls. We’d laugh and joke and likely snack.

And while I’m sure, after all of this, I’d feel properly spoiled, I’d also feel grateful.

And while moms get a lot of the credit for child rearing and as Chris Rock said so famously, “Nobody every says, ‘Hey dad thanks for knocking out that rent'” I’m just happy to be my daughter’s dad and my wife’s husband.

But a little recognition, an the odd tie now and then, doesn’t hurt.

Guys Tell All: Husband isn’t romantic enough

April 18, 2016 By: admin

Dear Guys,

I’m married to a great man who’s also a great dad, but I feel frustrated by his lack of romance. He says he’s “not very romantic” but I remember that he was when we were first dating. I don’t expect roses every week or for him to cook me a candlelight dinner, but I would appreciate a little affectionate note every now and then or a special treat occasionally. I’ve dropped hints, but he doesn’t seem to be picking up on my bread crumbs. Should I just come right out and tell him some of the gestures I would like? Would it be annoying to you if your wife did that?

GRAY: This shouldn’t come as too much of a shock, but men aren’t the best at picking up subtleties.

For that matter, most of us aren’t so good at delivering them either. It’s a good bet that the “affectionate note” or “special treat” are the furthest things from his mind. It’s not that he doesn’t care, but his way of caring doesn’t involve the little touches.

Sure, things were a lot different when you were dating. When I met my wife I didn’t have a fraction of the obligations I have now. To some extent, my life used to be able to revolve around hers. Now my attention goes to my daughter…who commands a good deal of it…and to some extent I feel like I show love to my wife by being a good dad.

And it’s true with so many other things: a love letter has become emptying the dishwasher, a bunch of flowers has become taking care of all those projects in the yard. Not very romantic? No, I suppose not, but there you have it.

Would it be annoying if my wife asked me to write her little notes? Yes it would and here’s why: it would be akin to saying what I do isn’t good enough, but somehow a “little note” is. I think it would trivialize my affection rather than make it stronger. These trivial little touches would suddenly be on equal footing with the really important stuff.

Everyone likes to be treated in a special manner every now and again, but at the end of the day you have to ask yourself if you’re blessed with what you have. I’m not saying to stop dropping the little hints, but try to appreciate what the two of you already give to each other.

Discovering he’s helped your child with all their homework so you can do things together during the weekend may not be the same as having a surprise bouquet delivered to you…it’s much better when you think about it.

MAVERICK: The one problem with hinting is, if he’s paying attention it pretty much takes all the “romance” out of it, making the hint a demand he’s having to comply with to humor you.

And if he’s not paying attention, all the hints in the world won’t work.

First, when you say romance, I figure you mean a thoughtful or spontaneous display of affection. Something simple, like a love note or a more complex gesture, like dinner and a movie with him arranging child care. What we’re talking about here is pursuit – the guy making it clear he desires the object of his affection — namely you.

Lots of married women complain their husbands were really “romantic” while dating but it dried up after marriage. It’s pretty standard behavior. Typically this behavior is blamed on the guy. But if you think about it, the signals that triggered that pursuit behavior are likely missing as well. Men pursued their wives during courtship because they were both desirable and playful.

So, perhaps, if you like to be pursued and acknowledged, you might want to start the chase anew.

Do something surprising for him that he might enjoy — make him nachos while he’s watching a fight on TV or recommend you kick around that giant sporting goods warehouse store he loves on a slow Saturday afternoon. Offer a glass of iced tea after he comes in from mowing the yard and a back rub after he takes a shower. Arrange a dinner at his favorite place and surprise him afterward with a night that is worthy of a love note.

Actions like this make him feel valued, cherished, desired and are much more likely to get him to return the gesture, than nagging and guilt.

I’m not saying maintaining the energy and vigor in the relationship is all your responsibility, I’m just suggesting reminding the guy how lucky he is to have you with deeds not words. If you want to be chased, remind him how much fun it is to catch you.

Guys Tell All: Mom is sick of always being the bad cop

March 21, 2016 By: admin

Dear Guys,

Unfortunately, it seems I have become the “enforcer” in our family and my husband is the “fun dad”. I get tired of being the bad cop, while my husbands gets to play good cop all the time. I try to be fun, but it just doesn’t work and the kids see through my act. I really want to break out of this, but I need my husband to step up and tell the kids NO once in a while or to clean their rooms. Our kids are in school and we both work, so we’re with them about the same amount of time.

GRAY: I don’t think it’s uncommon for moms to be viewed as the enforcer. I mean, I’m a grown man and if my wife didn’t insist I get my hair cut or badger me to get the garbage together every week it’s entirely likely neither would get done. So I think you have to start out with the understanding that your husband doesn’t have the same expectations of your children that you do.

Dressing properly and keeping rooms straightened are things I’d wager most men don’t see as a high priority and will unintentionally undermine your efforts. You and your husband are going to have different ideas of what’s important. I’d suggest three things: talk about what each of you want your children to learn and then divide those lessons between the two of you, playing to your individual strengths. The third thing? Have each other’s back and don’t contradict each other.

Your husband can make sure the kids get the garbage together and you make sure they keep their dirty clothes off the floor. Maybe he makes sure the kids feed the pets and you make sure they do the dishes after the family gets fed. For example, in my home I have to take my daughter to the dentist (which my daughter hates). You get the picture. If that’s no good then maybe you take different roles. You’re the enforcer and he’s responsible for discipline when they don’t get things done.

And remember, fun is what you bring to the table. Homework can be just as fun as a pillow fight (well, maybe not AS much fun) if you approach it with the right attitude. Sometimes we all feel put out and resort to yelling and badgering people instead of treating them with respect. That’s no fun for anyone. When you and your children have fun together, they’re less likely to be resentful when you ask them to be responsible. Respect isn’t earned by who can yell the loudest.

Finally, kids go through phases where they’re simply going to enjoy the company of one of you more than the other. You and your husband can say the exact same thing, but get radically different results. Don’t turn yourself into a bad cop forever because it’s how you feel right now. Instead of trying to be fun, ask your kids what’s fun for them and then be present and loving in their company. They’ll love you for the experience and keep you from pigeonholing yourself.

MAVERICK: You don’t establish roles in a marriage or in parenting in a day and they’re not something that are easy to break. Likely your husband is the fun one because he’s sorta fun, while you have become the heavy because, well, you like the trains to run on time.

You can’t go from the role of The Terminator to family funny person in one day. But with some cooperation from your husband maybe you can both move toward a more happy medium.

There are two parts to this.

The first part of the plan requires your husband to do some stuff.

Tell your hubby that he’s getting the benefit of your tough stance but he’s not taking any of the heat for it. He likes it when the trains run on time but he doesn’t have to pay for the ticket.

Tell him he needs to say “No” more often. When he weasels out or acts like a wimp, point it out to him after the fact. Practice your new “fun” nature here. Be nice. Be supportive. Reward him with a passionate kiss later that night for each “No” he dishes out, or when he oversees homework or brings the heat for wet towels being tossed on the floor.

Be sure he benefits from the new “fun” you, too.

If he refuses to act, well, congratulations, you married a load. I can’t help you there.

But being Mrs. Load doesn’t not mean you can’t be fun.

Just don’t TRY to be fun. Nothing is less fun than someone trying too hard to be fun.

Don’t be Fozzy Bear. “Want to hear a funny joke: Wakka-Wakka-Wakka.”

Ease into the new you.

Try finding a TV show or some other activity you and the kids can share, laugh over, and joke about. Try forcing yourself to be less stiff and more spontaneous. Sure, this might impact some things like — fewer vegetables may be eaten, or bedtimes might be extended here and there — but usually these little acts of rebellion result in fun.

And remember, it’s not a contest, just because you’re trying to be fun doesn’t mean your husband has to be less fun. Try both being fun.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. It will take time. But do it. And have fun.

Guys Tell All: “Gym rat” husband skips out on family too often

December 7, 2015 By: admin

If you’ve ever wondered, “What was he THINKING?!” you’ll love this monthly feature.

Here we go where women fear to tread — Inside His Head. Find out what men are thinking, delivered straight from the “horse’s” mouth.

This month’s question for our anonymous panel of husbands:

Q: It drives me nuts when my husband gets home from work, grabs a snack and says he’s going to “run to the gym”. Meanwhile, there’s dinner to cook and kids to take care of — which I get to do by myself. I would be fine with it a couple of nights a week, but it’s more often than that. I haven’t put my foot down yet, but I know it has to be done. Any advice for getting my point across without it leading to a huge fight?

GRAY: Seems like he’s too busy pumping iron at the gym to recognize he’s not pulling his weight at home and it’s making you resent making a meal and spending time with your children. It appears to be making the situation divisive. And if something this innocent could lead to a “huge” fight then some time together might do you all some good.

To me the solution seems simple: find time to exercise as a family.

Exercise is a great habit to have, but carving out the time to do it regularly can be a real bugger. Making it a family affair can be a great way to teach your kids the importance of staying fit while giving you all an opportunity to share your day with each other. If they’re too young to go on a bike ride or run around the park, there’s a whole host of carriers and strollers perfectly suited for the situation.

Sure, you might be able to talk him into switching a workout or two to the weekend or a morning, but why not join him? Find ways to bring the family together. It’ll be the best exercise any of you can do.

MAVERICK: Your complaint sounds pretty reasonable. You don’t mind him going to the gym, it’s just his timing that puts the whole family, except for him, in a bind.

The best way to get this across without leading to a huge fight is to address it when A) he’s not “driving you nuts” with his behavior and B) when he’s not focused on getting out the door and hitting the gym.

Assuming he’s not a total gym rat who has to be working out every day, bring the subject up on one of his off days and in the evening when dinner if finished and after the kids are in bed or doing something to keep them occupied. For goodness sake, whatever you do, don’t “put your foot down.” He’ll instantly react badly to that, you’re not his mom and best I can tell he’s not even been told his behavior is causing you grief.

Unless he’s just a jerk, and your question points more to oblivious rather than jerky, he simply doesn’t realize he’s jamming you up with the timing of his workouts. He likely is thinking that by timing his workout between the end of work and dinner he’s getting it done before he can be lured in to simply staying home and hanging out and it leaves his evening free to be with the family.

Let him know you think his gym time is important to his sanity and his health, but you really need him at home to help with his family in that all-important time before dinner. Tell him there’s just too much going on during his gym time and you need some help. Remember, you are both adults. This is a reasonable request, not an ultimatum or a chance for you to vent, bringing up all the times in the past he’s fallen short of your likely unvoiced expectations.

Offer some alternatives, maybe starting dinner earlier while he helps you with that or tends to the kids so he can still get out to the gym at a decent hour afterward.

If his going after dinner all the time isn’t the best solution maybe you two can compromise, with him going to the gym straight after work a few times a week and on those days he becomes responsible for evening duties, like baths or homework or the bedtime routine. Or maybe some of those things you need help with regarding the kids, say homework or household chores can shift till after dinner when he can be the one who tends to them.

You have every reason to expect help and likely a compromise can be arranged. Just don’t minimize his gym time. Don’t couch this like he’s out playing while you slave around the house. It’s important to him.

It’s become an issue, most likely, simply because he’s unaware. And don’t, I repeat don’t, come at him like your his mom. It’ll just make him defensive and make that huge fight you say you are dreading a near certainty.

MICHAEL: It’s not a matter of “putting your foot down”.

It sounds like your husbands personal time has edged past an acceptable limit. You need to clearly communicate your annoyance to your husband in a constructive way. He may assume that dinner and kids is your “job”. Clearly it’s not.

We all want our spouse to be healthy, but not at the expense of the rest of the family. Tell him you appreciate him taking care of himself but you need him to cut back and expend some of that energy at home helping you in the evenings. He can always go later at night if necessary after things have settled down.

When you have kids, you have to shift your priorities a bit. That doesn’t mean that you never do anything for yourself, but you do have to compromise a bit to ensure that the entire family can win. It’s time for him to take one for them team.