By: Christa Rupar
I had envisioned the post I would write today.
I had it all planned out. I had the Instagram post that would go with it planned. I planned the book that I would have printed with all the posts from my pregnancy, just like I had done with my other 2 pregnancies. It would begin with a post about how we had almost lost our baby in early pregnancy but everything had turned out just fine.
I envisioned my third child that would come from this pregnancy and how every time I would look at that child, I would be thankful for the miracle behind his or her life. But things don’t always go as I planned. If you are needing the whole story, start here.
A sonogram this morning revealed that the baby had stopped developing and my hormone levels were plummeting.
My heart aches more than it did with the first miscarriage. My emotions are drained from the roller coaster of blood tests and results. Within hours of the sonogram I began to cramp confirming the painful news. I will be honest, I was certain this would not be the outcome. I had hoped and believed and trusted and this was the desire of my heart. How could it not be? And up to this point all signs pointed in my favor. It would be a lie if I said this outcome didn’t mess with my theology. But just because something messes with my theology doesn’t mean it messes with my faith.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
I had promised God my faithfulness no matter the outcome. I petitioned him for the life of this child, but I had also asked his will to remain supreme. I had let him know that the life of this child was important to me and I looked forward to holding him or her in my arms, but that he sees my whole life not just the moment I am in so I would trust him with the outcome.
The loss still hurts the same, and sometimes it seems cruel that I hoped so fervently and was disappointed. But I don’t regret hoping, or praying, or believing. As a mother it’s what you do for your children, even if it hurts.
“As for me, I will always hope; I will praise you more and more” Psalm 71:14
While there are many questions rolling around in my head about this loss, I do know this, God allowed me to hope for a reason and I won’t lose hope because things didn’t go as planned. I do know that God does not allow heartache without a reason. He does have a plan, even if it is just to soften my heart to other women who have had such losses.
I also know that I have much to be thankful for and cannot let that fall to the wayside in the midst of this loss. I also know that I now have two babies that got to skip the perils of this life and go straight for the Glory of Heaven. A tear rolls down my cheek as I write that bittersweet admission, but it heals my heart just a little.
I know that there are so many women who have suffered far greater losses in pregnancy than I have. My heart goes out to them. Don’t lose heart or faith. He knows your loss, he is unfolding a plan and a purpose. Just trust him. My prayers are with you.